What If...

I wanted to edit this because I suppose the focus of this isn't clear. I'm not stressing out about being single right now (although my mom is- that's a different story) but rather it's about whether or not the things that I've always "wanted" aren't really things that I want or need for that matter. Example: I remember after getting back from Peru, I drove past this house in the center of town that I have always said, "I love that house. One day I will live there with my family." And this time, nothing. Nothing. No emotion, no excitement. God was really playing Russian Roulette with my emotions, priorities, everything. 

This is more or less just an attempt at me vocalizing my uncertainty that I could really let things go to follow Jesus to wherever He calls me. Would I follow Him into the jungle without any human companionship at my side? I'm working towards being at that point of surrender. I should say that I'm no where close to that. I simply want what I want, when I want it. Why? Because I'm selfish. Yeah, I said it.

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What if everything that I've ever wanted at the surface was never true or real? What if those things really aren't really the desires of my heart? Would You grant me them anyways? What if I don't ever get married? What if I end up "alone"? Then who would I be? What if I let down my parents or manage to drive all of my friendships into the ground? Then, who would love me? Who will protect me, provide for me? Whose house will I live in?

I suppose that it was You who had done this all along and this is orchestrated together in some grand symphony performance, waiting for the slightest flinch of Your hand. I suppose that I should be patient and wait. Wait. That word slays me with its spoken ease and incredible difficulty. But if I must, then I suppose wait I will. For a sign, for a purpose, a timing or a person--whatever. I'm waiting on You.