I can hear the whole world singin' but I don't know how it goes...

I feel like this is my life. There's the possibility of heading in a million different directions, all beginning at one point denoted by now- this moment (or general period, I suppose) of time.

I'm not going to bore you with my lame "what am I going to do with my life ramblings" because I know that God has got a plan even though I do not. I've been reading Exodus and I'd rather not fall into the whole "you brought us out into the desert to die?!" attitude of the Israelites. Actually, it may be too late. I've fallen.

It's in the moments of the most chaos, the most uncertainty that your faith SHOULD be strongest. Mine is at the weakest point that it's been in, oh- it feels like years! I've stopped moving forward & I'm sliding backwards. (Not to be confused with "backsliding," thankyouverymuch.) It's these times of "I'm not really DOING anything wrong" that are so incredibly dangerous. I've just got a rebellious heart but, hey, what else is new?

I need a swift kick in the butt from God. Honestly, what am I going to do when I can no longer rely on missions trips and summer ministry to motivate me to change. I'm too emotionally driven for my own good.

This year has taught me a lot about myself: I'm not spontaneous, I'm structured; I'm not rational, I'm emotional.

My alarm clock is set for 6:30 am. There's no way that I'll get up that early, I haven't all week. I should be doing something more productive right now, like working on devotions for CLIME this summer or doing my own dang devotions for that matter. I've been reading the Bible plenty lately and yet lacking in the whole "devotion" part. But no, instead I'm blogging on this LAME blog that I never update and that no one ever reads and listening to Julian Smith on repeat. SIDENOTE: Julian Smith (whose YouTube videos I chuckle at without fail) also sings and it's fantastic. You can check him out here. "Don't Know How It Goes" is on repeat. He's searching for his place in the world- sounds familiar. Plus, he has a fabulous voice.

Five-Year Plan Fail

I applied for nursing school this past February and seeing as I am graduating next month, I was really counting on getting in to put some stability in my plans for next year. I updated my dad via text on Tuesday that I wanted him to get the mail because I was expecting a letter about the decision "sometime this month." So, I'm in class Tuesday at about 5 when I check my cell phone: 4 new text messages.

The first one is from my mom: "I'm so sorry about GCC, honey. They're stupid for not taking you."

Umm, ok?

Next two: CNN Twitter updates. Yeah, lame, I know.

The last one is from my dad: "You didn't get in."

I called to make sure that it wasn't a joke because the disappointment s

at like one of those honey corn-flake bars that they serve at Teen Camp, a rock. My dad assured me that it wasn't a joke so I took a deep breathe, said, "That's okay. I'm okay," and went back to class.

When class got out at 5:40, I mumbled under my breathe all the way to my car. My car: my safe place. When I was safely inside, I let loose. I was angry. I was frustrated with God because I felt like He had "confirmed" these plans for my life repeatedly over the past year. My spiritual Spidey senses have been really off lately. I cried a little bit and tried to run from talking to God about it by making repeated phone calls to Mary, Ali, Corrie, and Miranda. There was never an answer.

When I got home, my dad and this were waiting for me:

Not even on the waiting list- now that's impressive. I've learned this past week that I am not a spontaneous person- I need structure, I need to plan. So, I've been planning for a job or school or both. I've been planning about how I need to pay for health insurance out of pocket and my low-paying job (I really shouldn't complain, it's incredible) and how confused I am about what I'm supposed to do.

I've also learned that I don't need to figure it out now. I guess that if I've narrowed it down to writing & nursing then I'm doing pretty good. The problem is that now I'm torn about whether this nursing school thing is totally out or not. I'm not going to lie, the thought of starting school again disgusts me yet the thought of starting a real job terrifies me. Anyways, I'm moving on & moving forward. Panic is slowly ebbing away and the reality that graduation and CLIME are only a short time away is sinking in. I've got bigger fish to fry, more important fish, than to worry about what God will certainly provide for.

Poor Yaris

Can it be done? A non-spiritual post?! I think YES!

It is getting increasingly difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. My alarm goes off at 7 and I snooze until 745. I snooze until 745 even though my alarm goes off every 4 minutes. That means that I shut my alarm off 11 times. Wow, that's disgusting. Anywho. I got up today at 735. I was supposed to leave for school at 745. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Of course I decided to make eggs for breakfast on the day that I'm running super late. I also needed to get gas before I headed off into the nothingness that is my ride to Worcester. That set me behind, yet again. By the time that I got all of my stuff situated in the morning, I was 20 minutes behind schedule.

So, I'm flyin' down (a whoppin' 35 mph) some back road in Shutesbury when I hit a, not a pothole, just a hole and out of the corner of my eye, I see a thing fly off the side of my car. Looking in my rear view mirror would reveal one of my front hubcaps rolling off the road. I parked on the side of the road, looking like a frazzled fool, and searched for the hubcap. None in sight. At this point I'm thinking, "Okay. I've got to go. Now. That linoleum block isn't going to print itself, Alyssa!" So I gave up.

My drive down 122 was filled with thoughts about all of the crap that had happened to my car within the past 2 months and how I still had 35 months left on my loan. In January, I hit a snowbank and then Ali slid into my car. Then a belt started squealing. Last week, a gutter fell off of my house and onto my car (WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT!). Today, I lost a hubcap. I was frustrated but I vowed to find my hubcap on the way home.

So after a long day of inking, printing, spanish translating, and statistic test taking, I headed home. When I got to that fateful spot in Shutesbury, I pulled my car off to the side of the road and started searching. There it was, shimmering in the frigid water. So, I "hopped" the guardrail (that sounds so much cooler than it really was- I STEPPED over the guardrail) and made my way through the brush to the side of a brook. The sides were steep and my clogs weren't going to cut it so off came my shoes and socks, up went my sweatpants, and in I went to the brook. The water was freezing and it rushed by with a serious purpose- evacuation. We have had some SERIOUS rain the past couple of days. So I grabbed my hubcap, rinsed that baby off and headed back to the road with my clogs in hand.

I was smiling the whole way thinking about just how incredibly silly the whole thing was and how crazy I must have looked emerging from the woods and crossing the street shoeless, carrying a hubcap. I wonder if it will even fit back onto my tire.

That was my day. How was yours?

I Am An Escape Artist.

I'm graduating from college in 3 months. Finally. These past four years have been the quickest, most drawn out four years of my life. Because I'll be the first Bell family relative to graduate from college (crazy!) my parents told me that they wanted to get me something special, send me someplace special. "Take a trip, take a friend," they said.

While my parents thought, "we'll send her on a cruise to some touristy island," my mind spun with possibilities of backpacking and adventure. It's funny because when I'm at home all I want to do is play by the rules. Give me my passport and a plane ticket and I'm a different lady.

Peru, obviously, was first on my list but I'm fairly certain that my parents do not want to spend $500-$1000 dollars on a plane ticket (which wouldn't even get me to the Amazon-BE STILL MY HEART!) That just seems silly. But really, I need to get out of here and go somewhere different, even for a week. I need to be inspired and moved. That sounds so lame and so privileged of me, I guess that it is. I need to be woken up by that hispanic culture that I love so much. I need to speak Spanish outside of a classroom and learn to do more than homework, Bible study planning, and arrive punctually (most of the time) for meetings. I need to be smiled at by people that I don't even know, I need to play with kids in eternally dirty clothes. I need to go. Massachusetts is stifling. I guess that I like to run when things get too hard or boring. Hah, that makes me sound so unpredictable, hard to tie down. THAT, that is funny right there.

Speaking of stifling, I need to write. Oh, this feels so good: the pounding of my fingers on the keys. This blog needs some life, some writing. I've thought so many times to myself recently, "Ugh, I just need to write." And then I don't. And then my life feels like it's missing something, and I suppose that it is. Writing is part of who I am, it's part, most, of what I do.

So, here's to writing & travel & pursuing the passions and gifts that God's given us! Oh, & new beginnings. Got to love new beginnings.